Why I will never have to shave my private parts again.
Thursday, February 1, 2007 at 20:42 Did you ever think about how a woman goes from being a modest young girl to an all out doesn't give a damn exhibitionist in the course of a few decades? Think about it, when we're young, our mothers tell us to keep our panties up so the boys won't see our 'private parts'. Keep your legs crossed is another one I could never figure out. Then we're at the beach, Jones Beach, and the towels they hand out at the showers don't cover your body, but everyone else seems ok with it. Then there's that embarrassing first gyn visit, and more awkward moments that will be repeated and ritualized until you're numb over the rest of your life. And the breast exams, when the doctor disinterestedly cops a feel and checks for lumps and bumps and other awful scary things, while he's checking his voice mail. And the dreaded mammogram, where some stranger with cold-hands squishes your boobs into a 1" thick compression device making it flat like a crispy Brooklyn slice of pizza. Then they generate a blow-up of your breast as big as a movie screen for the the world to see. "Hey let's make a movie out of this mammo, how interesting it will be for others to see. We can make billions!"
Still, nothing prepares you for the next step, which in some women's lives may be compared to a you-tube birth, spread eagle for all the world to see...but in my case, it was the laser hair removal appointment with Dr. Dave, my good friend and physician, which showed me that when a woman has to do what a woman has to do, modesty goes out the window. Yep, there I was, originally just having my legs done. The laser kept moving up my body to certain areas. The thought of never having to shave my pu... pu... pu..., legs in the stirrups gleefully anticipating removal of body hair which would set me free from the ritual of razoring my legs and pu...... (still can't say that word), and pulling the occasional odd and ugly hairs from other unusual areas.
All this while my best friend Janet stood in the corner trying not to look and talking very fast. It was even more ludicrous because we all three had to wear space goggles to protect our eyes from the laser or as Dr Dave said, "Oh, you would just go totally blind if you took them off."
To be fair to Dr. Dave, I was given a piece of paper liner to cover the parts we weren't working on at the moment. It was a mere doily, and a formality at best. A bag over my head would have been better. There is more, but I'm kind of embarrassed...'Dave, what about my ass hairs? Can you get that, too? By the way, did you ever hear of butthole bleaching? Not that I would want it, but what's that all about? So there you have it, it's true, a girl is going to do what a girl has got to do...if guys had to shave their legs and balls, they would have demanded ball hair laser removing stalls at every barber shop on ever corner in every major city and airport.
[I bet I do not get any comments about this strange blog. What is there to say?]
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