05.13.2005:Not Quite Night of the Champions 2005
Friday, May 13, 2005 at 18:36 Not quite the Night of Champions 2005
The bodybuilding event formerly known as Night of Champions 2005 is being held in New York City on May 21, 2005.
It took quite a while for us to find out exactly when and where [audio link] it was taking place, due to the IFBB's clever new marketing policy of absolute secrecy. After Henry Kissinger (Nixon security advisor and former Secretary of State) recently warned Steve Weinberger (some guy) of possible terrorist threats that he heard about on talk radio, the IFBB smartly decided to hold the event in an undisclosed location in downtown Manhattan.
MEDIA INFO :
After several rigorous security checks, members of the press will be issued NQNOCSC's (Not Quite Night of Champions Security Chips) which will be embedded in the photographer/journalist's index finger (see photo at left). 
Once in radius of the show's state-of-the-art security system, the NQNOCSC will activate automatically, and the correspondent will be directed towards the event subconsciously using CIA mind-control radio frequencies. Animatronic bodybuilder robots will then escort the reporter to the press room, where he/she will have unrestricted access to playing cards, peach yogurt, and room temperature root beer.
We were able to discover the coordinates of the location by plugging our microwave into the same socket as our 14" black & white Sanyo TV. It seems the event will be held at a small community college, unofficially dubbed "Ground Zero" by the show's promoters. 
The event will be preceded by "Rainbow Fish" (photo at left), a lively children's show performed entirely by burn victims that deals with abortion, ping-pong, and dental hygiene.
The event will be held at 40° 43' latitude, -74° 0' longitude on May 21, 2005. Coincidentally the European Women's Bodybuilding and Fitness Championships are being held that same weekend in beautiful Yalta, Ukraine. We were invited to attend the Yalta show, but we felt our reporting skills would be put to better use here in the states.
CONTESTANTS :
Many top female and male bodybuilders and fitness stars are scheduled to perform. We have no idea who they are.
REMEMBER WHEN? :
Night of Champions 2003 - Wayne Demilia
Night of Champions 2004 - Wayne Demilia
Artist's rendering of this year's venue :
Can't figure out where 40° 43' latitude, -74° 0' longitude is?
Email us, we'll explain.
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